How to fix* broken Brexit

With humour.

Instead of this …

Draft Agreement on the withdrawal of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland from the European Union and the European Atomic Energy Community, as agreed at negotiators’ level on 14 November 2018 [pdf]

… and this …

Brexit analysis: Why Theresa May’s deal may be doomed
Somehow, all this would be bought at no cost. British citizens would continue to enjoy frictionless travel to the E.U; goods and services would still cross borders with hyperloop-y speed and ease. But immigrants would find that Britain’s international entry points had become a veritable eye of the needle. Above all, we were told that all our E.U. contributions would now get fed straight into the National Health Service […] It’s not just that these assertions were unfounded. They showed a fundamental overestimation of Britain’s power and prestige, of its ability to bend other states to its will. The E.U. has not as yet capitulated to a single meaningful demand from a British government that has frequently looked weak and confused.

… read this.

And instead of this …

Brexit deal resignations are more bad news for the British pound
Today’s resignations have been far worse for the pound. About an hour after Raab, Work and Pensions Secretary Esther McVey resigned, too. There have been four more junior-level resignations on top of that, all before lunch.

… read this.

(* Ok, not so much ‘fix’ as ‘get through’.)

Bon voyage

My son flies to Japan next week, on a school science trip, via Amsterdam’s Schiphol airport. Here are a couple of links to send him on his way.

Schiphol Clock
Time is important at an airport, with thousands of people running back and forth trying to get their plane on time. This is why most airports are full of clocks everywhere, helping to guide harried travelers. Schiphol Airport in the Netherlands is no exception, but it offers a twist: a giant clock that appears as if a man is busy painting it real time, minute by minute.

The painter is actually a 12-hour-long recording, that gives a convincing illusion that a human is standing inside the translucent clock, busy at work as the hands go around. This creative timepiece is the latest work of Maarten Baas, a well-known Dutch artist and designer that has a series of similar live clock recordings.

Schipol Clock

A 12 hour long recording! There’s more on this remarkable clock on Maarten Baas’s website. It’ll be interesting to see if it’s still there.

And then, when my boy gets to Japan:

Four weird unexpected things to love about Japan
Washlets are one of the unexpected delights of going to Japan. The Japanese washlet is a technological marvel in that it cleans and dries your flanks, underside and phalanges after you’ve taken a shit, without you having to step foot in a shower.

What happens after your experience with the washlet is a feeling of unparalleled freshness, cleanliness and wellness unlike anything else you’ve ever experienced before. In the West we have toilets that flush but that’s about it. It’s a toilet made for a Jurassic reptile not a highly evolved human being.

homer-washlet

Strange moves

A couple of music videos that have caught my eye recently.

Little Big – Skibidi

No idea. Psy meets Begbie?

Loyle Carner – Ottolenghi

Here’s some more on the making of that.

Oscar Hudson reveals (some) of the secrets behind his video for Loyle Carner
Set on a train, which looks like a classic (unreliable) Southern or South Eastern network model from the seat pattern, Ottolenghi switches from VHS footage filmed by Ben (Loyle Carner) on a real train before switching to a set built in a studio. The beginnings of the video developed from a “super simple” idea of Ben’s: he would fall asleep on a real train journey, and then “start to dream a train journey,” Oscar explains. “I wanted to do something that ‘woozed’ back and forth between dream and reality where details from real life get amplified and warped in the dream.”

Perfect pairings

Buffalo Bill Gates makes celebrity portraits like you’ve never seen
Buffalo Bill Gates, aka Swedish artist Kalle Mattsson, a creator whose work is very much perfect for the part of the web made up of memes, idol irreverence and anarchic art. His weirdo celebrity portraits mash up famous faces with other celebrity identities or even fictional entities to create offbeat hybrid personalities like Putintin featured here.

perfect-pairings-2

As well as being really funny, I love how perfectly these faces line up. It must have taken ages to find photos with just the right angle.

perfect-pairings-3

Back to school

If you work in schools I’m sure it feels like September comes round quicker every year. We were just starting to finally relax and unwind and before you know it we’re back, reading things like this.

Dozens of secondary schools exclude at least 20% of pupils
A spokesman for the trust said it had taken over “some of the toughest schools in England” and repeatedly turned around their performance. He said that in many cases, the schools it had taken over had previously been excluding high numbers of children informally, meaning the increase in the number of official exclusions was misleading.

The Guardian view on education: some things money should not buy
These figures point up a general hollowing out of trust in the state system, which the introduction of competition both reflected and greatly exacerbated. Catchment areas operate as a kind of pre-exclusion mechanism, which keeps poorer children out of good schools just as surely as later exclusions can expel them. In all this, both schools and parents are responding to the logic, and the incentives, of a system predicated on competition as a zero-sum game. We are all poorer as a result.

But cheer up, we’re not the only ones feeling this way. Some of the great artists have identified the same issues.

An art history of back to school
Ever since I published ‘An art history of school inspections’ a few years ago, studying the way that art has portrayed schools has been somewhat of a hobby of mine. In this post, I’ll take you through the ways that artists throughout time have interpreted that key moment in a teacher’s year: going back to school.

back-to-school-2

The first day back has finally arrived in Benjamin West’s ‘These Are the New Guys’ (1776), which depicts the moment when the school’s new staff members are introduced in the first staff meeting, and the entire faculty stare back at them. The new staff members hang their heads and blush as every current member of staff looks at them, some with a sense of envy at their youth, and some with a sense of pity at what these new guys have let themselves in for.

So how do you combat the end of holiday blues and keep that vibe of novelty and freedom going? Suggestions here include joining a club, starting a new hobby, changing your commute. I liked number 7.

Sad summer’s over? 18 ways to keep the health, humour and happiness of your holiday alive
7 Buy a carafe. No, seriously. The best €3 I ever spent went on a little glass carafe that says “quarto litro” at its neck, just like the ones in which the cheapest wine is served in my favourite holiday trattoria. Back home, it encourages restraint on the wine front, while adding ceremony.

back-to-school-3

Is there such a thing as geographical psychology?

I’d never heard of this comic before, but I can certainly relate a little to it.

Finnish nightmares
Meet Matti, a stereotypical Finn who appreciates peace, quiet and personal space. Matti tries his best to do unto others as he wishes to be done unto him: to give space, be polite and not bother with unnecessary chit chat. As you might’ve guessed, it can’t always go that way.

Perhaps I’m slightly Finnish?

Are you socially awkward, or just “spiritually Finnish?”
If you find it awkward to make small talk, you may be “jingfen” (精芬) or “spiritually Finnish.” That’s the newly coined Chinese buzzword for a burgeoning identity taking hold among millennials.

Or a little Chinese?

Why do millions of Chinese people want to be ‘spiritually Finnish’?
Matti’s fear of crowds and small talk and his tendency to be easily embarrassed has struck a chord with many Chinese readers, who seem relieved that their longing for privacy has finally been voiced – via the medium of a stick figure from a faraway country. But it’s Finnish culture itself – of which privacy and personal space have long been part – that has also struck a chord.

Nothing is impossible

A little history of a great line I first heard in a trailer for a new Christopher Robin film.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day
In conclusion, this joke was in circulation by 1906 when it was printed in a humor book authored by “Theodor Rosyfelt”. The phraseology changed as it was transmitted across decades. In modern times it has been connected to two iconic figures: Alfred E. Neuman and Winnie-the-Pooh. QI has not found any substantive evidence that A.A. Milne used the expression.

It remains a very Winnie-the-Pooh thing to say, though. Except in East Germany.

Cheers!

Today’s my birthday, so let’s raise a couple of glasses!

A dangerously clever self-filling wine glass
Designer Kouichi Okamoto has created Glass Tank, a the very clever, yet somewhat dangerous wine glass that is attached to a bulb that will keep refilling the glass until it is empty. This invention is available for purchase through Generate. Fun times ahead!

cheers-2

Perhaps not this one, though.

The Pythagorean wine glass
Said to have been devised to expose Pythagoras’s gluttonous students at a banquet, the elegant stemware functions like a normal wine glass when filled to a moderate level. If the beverage is poured in excess, however, a concealed siphon pushes the wine into the hollow stem so it spills out the bottom in a greed-revealing splash.

cheers-3

And a little musical accompaniment with that?

Happy Birthday, by Beethoven? Bach? Mozart? – Nicole Pesce on piano
Nicole Pesce in concert at Tempe Center for the Arts, not only showed her virtuosity, but gave us a taste of her creativity and humor. In this clip, she speculates on how the master composers may have played one of today’s most popular songs.

(It must have been fate that helped me find that clip today; it was filmed the day before my birthday, albeit a few years ago now, and uploaded the day after it.)

Online joke shops are no laughing matter

With a headline that makes me want to respond with, ‘Thank goodness!”, here’s an unusual take on the business behind internet “humour”.

Memes are becoming harder to monetize
“One of the biggest factors in a meme dying is if a meme gets overused,” says Jason Wong, the founder and CEO of a meme-focused e-commerce business called Dank Tank that sells merchandise like Tide Pod socks. “People today are consuming more memes than ever. The expiration date for them has shortened more since even last year. Memes used to last for two to three weeks, but recently we’ve noticed they die after just a few days.”

“It feels like the internet is all moving a lot quicker,” says Samantha Fishbein, the co-founder and COO of Betches Media.

Or maybe we’re getting bored of it all a lot quicker.

From a time before Duolingo

Food to the rescue.

Gleanings from the past #54
A ludicrous story is told of a great naval function which took place during the reign of the last Napoleon and the Empress Eugénie. Several American vessels were present, and they were drawn up in line to salute the Empress’s yacht as it passed. The French sailors, of course, manned the yards of their ships, and shouted ‘Vive l’Impératrice!’ The American Admiral knew that it was impossible to teach these words to his men in the time left to him, so he ordered his crew to shout ‘Beef, lemons, and cheese!’ The imperial yacht came on, and as it passed the fleet there was a mighty roar of ‘Beef, lemons, and cheese.’ And the Empress said she had never received such an ovation before.

How to engineer comedy

Khoi Vinh uses this wonderful Rube Goldberg video from Joseph Herscher to discuss important points about the value of aesthetics and narrative in good design and engineering.

Valuable lessons from pointless machines
Though the Cake Server relies on precision execution and basic physics and engineering principles, it’s clear from watching the behind-the-scenes video below that there is a real artistry at work, too. In comments that will sound familiar to any designer, Herscher talks about the importance of the viewer’s experience and how certain components of a Rube Goldberg help create a sense of expectation and narrative for the audience.

These machines are ingenious but, as Khoi points out, and as reiterated by Joseph in his behind-the-scenes video, a lot of the joy and humour comes from our own expectations and reactions. Like that off-screen sound at 1:15!

The Cake Server – Joseph’s Most Complex Machine Ever
I hate waiting for dessert, so here’s a Rube Goldberg machine to streamline dinnertime. It lets me keep eating, with no break before cake. It’s my most complex yet and took 3 months to make so I hope you enjoy it!

Let Colossal cheer you up

Colossal is one of the largest art, design, and culture blogs on the web, and I’ve been a big fan for ages. The trouble is I mainly use an RSS reader to keep up-to-date with its posts, rather than visiting it directly, and so I can easily mess changes to the design or layout of its website.

Take the ‘Editor’s Pick’ collections, for example, and this one — the best of humour.

colossal-humour-580

Homework problems? Learn from the professionals

Some invaluable advice here from novelist and screenwriter Nick Hornby.

Eight excuses I have told my son to use for his failure to hand in English homework, excuses I have learned are acceptable during a thirty-year career in journalism, books, and film
Dear Mrs D, I’m sorry I haven’t done my homework, but my homework diary is currently full, and I’m not looking to take on anything else right now.

Need a hand with anything?

Man Hands
Most of the time, people don’t use the term “man hands” as a compliment, but massive manly mitts do have their uses. Just put on this set of two 35.6 cm long latex hands and the whole world will take notice. These are great for hailing a cab, high fives, directing traffic or getting noticed when volunteering for something.

Amazing Amazon Mr Men reviews

mrhappyreview

The Amazon Mr Men reviews
Hamilton Richardson (London) likes reviewing Mr Men books on Amazon – these are the highlights so far.

I remember as a kid reading these books and through them learning the phrase ‘for instance’. That was about my level. I certainly didn’t pick up any of these issues. For instance,

“For indeed, what does he come face-to-face with at the foot of these stairs but his own repressed sadness? This comes in the form of his miserable alter ego – physically identical, polar opposite in mood. It is only through this confrontation with the shadow that his unsuitable persona can find authentic resolution and true integration of the self can be achieved. These archetypes are quite literally brought to light as Mr Happy coaxes Mr Miserable up to the surface and into view of the conscious mind in a climax of now genuine peace and bliss.”

How about never?

how-about-never-cartoon-credit-mankoff

This cartoon by Bob Mankoff really tickled me. I’ve never seen it before but it turns out it’s a ‘pop culture classic’. Brainpickings reviews the artist’s memoirs of the same name.

Rejection as creative catalyst: a lesson in entrepreneurship from New Yorker Cartoon Editor Bob Mankoff
A tale of finding art in the absurd and entrepreneurial spark in the rejected.

Dad turns toddler son into CGI superhero

Action Movie Kid: DreamWorks dad Daniel Hashimoto turns toddler son into lightsaber-wielding CGI superhero
A dad has turned his young son into a lightsaber-wielding, telekinesis-mastering pyromaniac on YouTube. His secret? He works as an after effects artists for DreamWorks.

Yes I think we can safely say that all of us dads are more than a little jealous of this guy’s skills.

Sunlight pills by Vaulot&Dyèvre

sunlightpills

"Every winter the same picture: Moodiness, flaccid skin, looking dull and the tendency to a depression hit right in. Though this shouldn’t be a problem anymore as Vaulot&Dyèvre designed a range of supplements for our lack of sunshine and to restore our vitality. The sunshine from Borabora to the Maldives, Haiti and the Bahamas is available as a healthy little pill."

http://www.ignant.de/2014/02/03/sunlight-pills-by-vaulotdyevre/

What if all these things were invented in the 80s

instagram

After seeing the British BBC show ‘Look around you’, Jo Luijten was inspired by the idea of creating a nonexistent world in the past. Using old software, like QuickBASIC 4.5 and MS-Paint, he created several ’80s and ’90s versions of contemporary social media and video games. Jo Luijten’s girlfriend Kinna McInroe is the voice-over of the ‘Wonders of the World Wide Web’ videos.

http://www.squirrel-monkey.com/

What's your favourite Records Management joke?

"ViaLumina President Barclay Blair interviews 30 leading Information Governance experts, asking them 5 Questions About Information Governance in 5 Minutes. In this segment, Barclay asks What’s Your Favorite Records Management’s Joke?"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1DBjQ-o3C5I

I think this is great. As he says on his website, “it shows that this community has a great sense of humor and does not take itself so seriously – a sure sign of health.” Funny guy who knows his stuff. I liked how he managed to sneek in some of our favourite pie charts in a presentation he did on the information governance.

In(ter)activity

interactivitySpeaking as an Interactive Arts graduate (who’s obviously putting his degree to very good use in his career, <ahem>), this Onion article really struck a chord and had me shouting “Yes! Exactly!” at the screen over and over again.

Internet users demand less interactivity
‘We Just Want To Visit Websites And Look At Them,’ Users Say

Tired of being bombarded with constant requests to share content on social media, bestow ratings, leave comments, and generally “join in on the discussion,” the nation’s Internet users demanded substantially less interactivity this week. […]

Speaking with reporters, web users expressed a near unanimous desire to visit a website and simply look at it, for once, without having every aspect of the user interface tailored to a set of demographic information culled from their previous browsing history. In addition, citizens overwhelmingly voiced their wish for a straightforward one-way conduit of information, and specifically one that did not require any kind of participation on their part. […]

“Every time I type a web address into my browser, I don’t need to be taken to a fully immersive, cross-platform, interactive viewing experience,” said San Diego office manager Keith Boscone. “I don’t want to take a moment to provide my feedback, open a free account, become part of a growing online community, or see what related links are available at various content partners.”

“All I want is to go to a website, enjoy it for the time I’ve decided to spend there, and then move on with my life,” he continued. “Is that so much to ask?” […]

In addition to demanding less interactivity, Internet users requested fewer links and clickable icons connected to social media outlets through which they could email, share, tweet, pin, blog, or re-blog content. Many said that when they did come across something they found interesting or amusing, nine times out of 10 they just wanted to keep it to themselves.

“Don’t always ask me to send everything I’ve read to everyone I know. And by the same token, I don’t need to know if they’ve read the same thing. That information means nothing to either of us,” said Glendale, AZ shopkeeper Dan Allenby, who could not think of a single instance where it would be helpful to sign into another website through his Facebook account. “If I wanted to tell someone about something, I’ll just tell them individually. Or better yet, they’ll stumble across it on their own.”

The header image for the article is great, just people reading the web, but sat next to it are the obligatory share-this-with-everyone buttons showing some impressive scores, so whilst it’s hitting a nerve with me, there are plenty of others on the other side of the in(ter)activity fence.

British People Problems

Buzzfeed has a list of 21 marvellous “British People Problems” that, unfortunately, seem to hit the mark quite well. The list includes:

I can’t help but think of people who take sugar as intellectually inferior.

and

A man in the supermarket was browsing the food I wanted to browse, so I had to pretend to look at things I didn’t even want until he left.

Yep, that’s me.

Worrying statistics?

Worrying statistics

Documenting the curious increase in claimed family deaths — especially of grandmothers — during tests season at college
This gem is from “The Dead Grandmother/Exam Syndrome and the Potential Downfall Of American Society” by Mike Adams (The Connecticut Review, 1990). Adams’ hilarious explanation for this phenomenon:

“Only one conclusion can be drawn from these data. Family members literally worry themselves to death over the outcome of their relatives’ performance on each exam. Naturally, the worse the student’s record is, and the more important the exam, the more the family worries; and it is the ensuing tension that presumably causes premature death.” — www.easternct.edu/~adams/Resources/Grannies.pdf

Records management ‘humour’

Who knew there was such a thing?

Records Management Humor
Top 10 reasons to not get organized
1. Hunting for important documents adds excitement to a boring schedule.

2. Stacking papers on your desk protects it from ultraviolet radiation.
3. Being as confused as everyone else helps you fit in.
4. Moving piles of paper keeps you in shape.
5. If you understood what you were doing, you would be terrified.
6. Confusion brings out the best in you.
7. Organization kills creativity.
8. Shuffling papers prevents dust from piling up.
9. Your coworkers will never find what they’re seeking.
10. Clutter magnifies your importance.